Tag Archives: Health

Pause. Breathe. Repeat.

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I have a dear friend Ann who lives in another state and I try to see her as often as possible.  Her husband, Jim, was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s a few years ago .  During one visit, I had planned a surprise birthday party for Ann and managed to get most of the family there for the big party.  At one point, Jim came up to me and said, “Well, it’s finally happening.  This is it.  I think I’m going to die now.” This alarmed me quite a bit and I said, “Oh, no.  What makes you say that?”  He responded, “Because everyone I’ve ever loved is here tonight and visiting me.  I’ve seen everyone now and been able to tell them how I feel.  That must mean that it is okay for me to go.”  I remember feeling sad that he interpreted this event as a sign from above that it was his time to go and then feeling angry about the illness that was robbing him of his faculties.  But it wasn’t until later that something clicked for me about that moment. It wasn’t his illness that was creating an irrational thought process about his death.  It was the fact that he, like so many of us, get caught up in our lives and it’s only when something tragic or life changing happens that we truly pause and finally cue ourselves to be completely present with the things that matter most.  People.  Connections.  And our relationships and feelings with those people.  His illness had provided a gift of presence that most of us gloss over each day.  So now, I affectionately call moment’s when I’m acutely aware of the blessings and fortune in my life, a “Jim” moment.  Because I think, “Life is alright.  I’m alright.  I’m safe and the people who love me are here.  This is peace.”

I spend more time in a state of anxiety, worry, or otherwise feeling overwhelmed much more than I would like to admit.  And it becomes too clear when, out of the blue, I have a “Jim” moment.  I can’t help but reflect on a couple of these moments that happened just this week.  The first one happened on my way home as I was talking with my Mom and the second was after spending a laughter filled evening with two of my close friends.

In each of those instances I was able to share how I was feeling, what my worries and fears were about and, in turn, receive love and support. With my Mom it was more of an emotional purging and she responded with love and understanding that sometimes can only come from your Mom.  I was overwhelmed with a feeling of gratitude for her support.  With my friends, it was more about the pure acceptance of me that brought so much joy to my heart. They receive me exactly as I am without judgment.  I am able to speak my heart and not worry they are going to look at me like I’m crazy.  Okay, they still may look at me like I’m crazy but we laugh while they are doing it! They remind me what true friendship really looks like.

Unfortunately, it’s easy for me not to be present in my own life.  I often start thinking about some task that I haven’t done yet or some schedule issue that I need to resolve.  I worry about things way outside my control or get caught up in some downward spiral of negative thinking.  But the wild thing is that when I’m present and totally engaged in a moment with someone I feel more alive and true to myself than any other time. My heart fills with joy and it is almost like I’m receiving some miracle drug of sorts that makes whatever current challenge or fear seem more bearable.

I notice that as I take better care of myself and express my true feelings, I have more of the “Jim” moments and become aware of how grateful I am to have people in my life that mean so much to me.  When I am fully present in my daily interactions I am more open to embracing and expressing gratitude.  It is happening more with my family, my friends, with my work, and especially within myself. I hope that I will continue to get better at recognizing and cherishing these moments until one day it is simply the natural state that I exist.  Until then, I will use the simple and effective strategy to increase my awareness…it takes 3 steps: pause, breathe, repeat.

 

Take good care of yourself…be kind

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I have a job that tends to have an endless source of vicarious trauma.  I work with vulnerable youth and bear witness to their joy, pain, and sorrow.  And I am often reminded of the stories that we all hold.   The pure resilience of the human spirit is never lost on me.  Most days I leave work feeling inspired to be a better person, a better clinician, and just better.  Some days…well some days just kick me in the teeth. This is when I need my self-care more than ever.

Today happen to be one of those days and I knew I was going to need to pay attention to my regimen of self-care.   It started with my favorite P!nk CD at the maximum volume on the way home, led to a walk with the dog at the park, and may wrap up with some mindless television watching after a thoughtful spurt of writing.  Is today a model of good self-care?  Maybe.  I guess it depends on who you ask.  See, I will be the first to tell my friends to take good care after days like this.  I will ask them, “What is something fun you can do tonight?  Something relaxing?”  The problem with this approach is that fun and relaxing activities are great, but they don’t often release my heart of the burden that I absorbed that day.  When you are truly present for someone in a time of need and bear witness to their pain and allow them a space to release their energy; a simple activity is not going to erase a memory that was etched in your heart.  Sure, I feel better on the short-term.  I lower my blood pressure back down and give my heart a healthy boost through my structured activity. But the pain has not dissolved, not completely.

So I’m trying something new.  Well, maybe not new…but I am adding something to my usual ‘go to’ strategies.  I am exploring this idea of more purposeful kindness.  Not only to myself, but to others.  I am finding that the more kind I am to others and to myself, the more I heal that vicarious trauma and ultimately the more I can give in those moments that I am called upon. I am doing this a variety of ways.  First of all, I’m not criticizing myself for not knowing what to say in a tense moment, instead I’m practicing self-compassion and giving myself permission to simply not know how to respond.  I also am being proactive with kindness and taking opportunities to smile at people more and say ‘good morning’.  I am reaching out to people I haven’t spoken to in a while just to say hi and that I was thinking of them.  I am taking many deep breaths on my commute home and remembering that everyone wants to get home just as much as I do and that if I let one car merge over (even though they don’t have a blinker on), I’m not hurting myself with this act of kindness and actually improving my own well-being in this process.  The easiest way I’m practicing is by asking myself “what is the most kind response I can offer with this particular situation?”   And the most beautiful part of this process is the more I increase my own awareness, the more opportunities I am realizing each day.

It’s not that being kind keeps me from experiencing pain or prevents the sadness from hurting my heart some days, but I can tell you that it has insulated my heart and soul to a point that makes it easier to recover from these hard times.  I still need to do the fun things and relax my body and mind. It’s just that adding kindness to this regimen provides a thicker layer of insulation from the harsh impact of trauma and pain.  So today I am going to practice kindness to those around me.  I’m not sure what that will look like just yet, but I’m sure it will come to me soon.  That’s the beautiful part of life….if you want an opportunity to practice something all you have to do is open your eyes to see what is present in front of you.

Be Kind Photo

 

Finding Happy

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What makes you happy?  What is it that makes your heart sing? Simple questions, right?  Well, maybe not for everyone.  If you don’t believe me, find a teenager or perpetual teenager (you know, the brooding adult who still blames everyone else for their problems), and ask them “what makes you truly happy?”  It makes sense; it’s harder to think about what makes us happy if we are too busy feeling stressed out or angry.  By the way, I’m not suggesting that all teenagers are disgruntled and angry, I’m just suggesting they have a harder time to identify things that make them truly happy.

I am a happiness junkie.  I’ve probably read a half-dozen books that talk about the science of happiness. I love to watch movies like “Happy” and “Finding Joe” and others that talk about finding your bliss.  I enjoy listening to motivational speakers who remind me that we have a genetic set point which only makes up about 40%-50% of our total happiness potential.  And it’s awesome to review evidence that income or socioeconomic status have very little to do with our sense of life satisfaction.  Even with all of this; it is difficult to embrace this concept sometimes.  Let’s face it, our culture supports a relentless stream of messages that tell us we need to upgrade, update, buy bigger, buy more, and max out credit cards to earn more rewards.

I am not going to act like I don’t get caught up in this cycle and spend money on things with the idea that it is going to make me happy.  The reality, however, is that a trip to the local mall has never provided me with lasting happiness.  Taking my dog to the park or going for a 3 mile run has given me the kind of satisfaction that lasts through the next day though.  And I have found that random (or even planned) acts of kindness send my general sense of peace and contentment through the roof.

So what makes me happy?  I guess I would start with the basics.  Watching the sun come up, having great conversations with my friends and family, learning something new, completing goals (sometimes just writing out goals), doing something nice for someone, enjoying nature, becoming inspired by someone’s story, and catching myself in a moment of total bliss….yes, those are a few things that make my heart sing.

Most of this didn’t come as a surprise to me, but the one thing that I continue to explore is how powerful kindness can be in the equation of happy.  More and more evidence seems to support that acts of kindness increase our brain plasticity and our sense of well-being.  The more I practice this, the more I believe it.  No, I’m not turning into a genius or anything (insert laugh here), but I am noticing a shift in my sense of contentment and a lowered height of anxiety during certain interactions.  I am also noticing that the more I practice kindness, the easier I am recognizing when I receive kindness.  I am amazed how powerful the words ‘thank you’ can be to people who are not used to hearing them.   See, kindness doesn’t have to be grand gestures or extensive acts….sometimes it is a matter of exercising patience as someone figures out a new job, smiling at people as you pass by them and telling them “good morning”, or maybe it’s a matter of simply admitting when you are wrong.  And of course, the thing that my mother taught me still holds true….”Please and thank you goes a long way”!

Funny how I started out writing about happiness and ended up with a reminder to express gratitude.  Ha, this is the kind of stuff that makes my heart sing.  Sigh.  My thought for today?  Take a few minutes to think about what brings that lasting happy and go get it.  It’s not that I think we have to fight for happiness, but I do believe we have to pause long enough to be able to see it where it already exists and nurture it within ourselves which ultimately helps promote happiness all around!